This past December I had a revelation, and not a good one, I realized that somehow in the last almost 12 years of being married and having children, I had lost myself. I think I realized it one dreary day when I had to take McKinlee to preschool and I had nothing to wear. And I don't mean in a "too much to choose from" kind of way. Somehow I had widdled down to one pair of pants, one pair of sweats(that had holes,) and one pair of maternity yoga pants, and all three were dirty. As I sat in my room debating if I should wear my red candy cane pajamas, or a Sunday dress to drop my child off, it dawned on me,I have seriously been neglecting myself. I settled on the dress, after I dropped McKinlee off, I came home got on to the computer and began searching for more clothes to add to my wardrobe, quickly becoming overwhelmed and lost. I no longer even knew what I liked, and when I found something I thought was okay, I was shocked at the price and refused to spend that much on me. So I wandered on to the children and men's sections, found a few things for each person, not caring how much they cost, after all Josh has work, and Mia and McKinlee have school, and it wouldn't be fair to buy for them an not Wynter and Ryken, so checked out without making a single purchase for myself. I didn't even realize what I had done until the next day when I went to get dressed.
Something needed to change, and it needed to come from within. For some reason being a stay at home mom, has caused me to completely devalue myself in the name of sacrifice. I can easily justify spending money on Josh and the children no matter how tight things were, but when it came to myself, it wasn't worth the money, I don't really go anywhere, and nobody cares how you look at walmart, plus I am hoping to lose the baby weight, I am still carrying from the last three kids, and it wouldn't be worth buying stuff just to lose weight. I AM OBVIOUSLY SICK!
I began my quest for mental change by going to Kohls and literally forcing myself with Josh at my side for moral support, to buy a pair of jeans, that were on sale 40% off; plus, I had a coupon for an additional 30% off. I felt terrible, selfish, and frustrated with myself for becoming this bad. I had just bought a nice pair of pants for 70% off and I felt awful. A few days later I was looking at things on the Internet for Josh and the kids,in part to make up for being so selfish a few days before, Josh came in, forced me to go the the women's page and had me buy a scarf I loved, even though it cost $30, and wouldn't not allow me to buy anything for him or the kids. I have to admit when the package came and the kids were excitedly asking who it was for, it felt really good to tell them it was for me. I let them help me open it, and I let them play with it, but only if the ask. It is after all, mine. I found some amazing websights here and here, where they sell really cute boutique items at discounted prices for one day only, and it has been nice getting jewelry, bags, and home decorations that I would never justify buying for myself at up to 90% off.
I realized that in my 30's makeup and skin care is different than it was in my 20's and I was lost and didn't want to invest in something I might not like, or that worked for me 10 years ago but not anymore, I found this, and for 10 dollars a month they send an amazing high end make up sample box, that is worth well over 10 bucks, and I can try before I buy and they are catered to my age, complex, and skin type. 10 dollars a month seemed like a lot then I thought of the Sirius radio, and timeshare Josh has signed us up for, combined they cost nearly 5 times that, if we can afford that we can certainly afford 10 dollars for me to feel better about myself.
Next came new glass for my camera, I really wanted to get a new 50mm lens, and was torn between two different 50mm's. One was what I really, really wanted and the other was a third of the cost, not as nice as the one I wanted, but it was still better than what I had. I went back and forth between the two, I asked Josh what he thought and he said I should get the nicer one, but I didn't want to spend that much, when I felt like everyone in our home needed so much. I went back and forth, and back and forth. Then I was smacked up the head with a realization. I have given up gifts from Josh, for Valentine's Day, Our Anniversary, My Birthday, and Christmas for the past 4 years, hoping to combine the gifts and get this one lens, each year something came up and I gave up the lens in the name of gymnastics, or a computer, or Josh's smart phone, why in the world am I feeling guilty about this! I quickly ordered before I could change my mind, Now I can bring you images like this,
With Josh's encouragement I have enrolled in an online photography that I got on an amazing groupon, and once I finish the course I will be a certified photographer.
I also finally justified spending the money to paint the interior of our house
I have to admit, it has been years since I have felt this good. I am happier, my family is happier, I am more kind, and patient...it's been an eye opener. I know I still have a long way to go but I am finally on the right road. I wonder if there is a support group...haha.
One last thing, I have to add, I am so grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive husband, he really has been fantastic through all of this..plus he never complained when he would come home day after day to find me still in my jammies, with my hair pulled back and no makeup on.
That is it about me for now, sorry if any one felt bored, Wynter's birthday post is coming soon.
